What did the big bucket say to the little bucket?

You look a little pail.

Why did the scarecrow get promoted?

Because he was out standing in his field

Why didn't the astronaut come home to his wife?

He needed some space.

I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle.

I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle.

Why does Santa Claus have a big sack?

He only comes once a year

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

If winners never quit and quitters never win. 

what idiot came out with 'quit while you're ahead'?

Why couldn't the man with no feet drink coffee?

Because he lack toes.

What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?

Dam.

What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

My mate just told me I don't understand irony at all. Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.

Why did the squirel scream?
Because somebody pinched his nuts

You ever have sex while camping?

It's fucking in tents.

Thief: Give me your money.

Man: I'm a politician. 

Thief: Then give me my money.

Bill Gates farted in an Apple store.

He later commented, "Well it’s hardly my fault they don't have any Windows…”

The sun doesn't have to go to college.

Because it already has 28 million degrees

Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing