Animal

What do you call a chicken that have smoked weed? 

A baked chicken.

What did the llama say when he got kicked off the farm?

Alpaca my bags.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he went off to college?

Bison.

How do you make an egg laugh?

Tell it a yolk.

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

Why did the squirel scream?
Because somebody pinched his nuts

I've just started a business which is a rat and mouse washing service. It's
going great...
All our customers are squeaky clean.

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

ten-tickles

Why do bees have sticky hair?

They use honeycombs.

What bird gets out of breath easily?
A puffin!

My mum always told me that eating carrots would make me able to see in
the dark
Which made the night my pet rabbit escaped and fell into the garbage
disposal all the more crushing

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

I went to London and got myself a turtleneck the other day.
And a life-time ban from Sea Life.

My cat keeps beating me at Pac Man.
To be fair, he did start with 9 lives.

What do you call a fish with three eyes?
Fiiish

Why do blind people hate skydiving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.

Patient: I get scared every time I think of big animals.
Therapist: We have pills for that, but bear in mind...
Patient: AAUUGGHH!!

Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Cause' They Are Dead.