2016 : trump wont win

2017: president trump can't do that, can he?

2018: you watching the hunger games tonight? I hope my district wins

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands

what kind of birds stick together?

Vel-crows

What do you get when facebook goes down?

A Social Life

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? 
None. It's a hardware problem.

What shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers!

Whats round and sounds like a trumpet?

a crumpet

I hate people who repeat themselves.

Those who say the same thing twice annoy me too.

Do I know the molecular formula of nitrogen monoxide?

NO

Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt?

Because he doesnt want to be spotted!

At first I hated my new hair cut.
But it's growing on me now

My name is Miles, but people call me Kilometres for short.

You never realise what you've got till it's gone.
Toilet paper being a good example.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

Be honest, There is no fear on this earth like waiting for your internet history to clear quickly while someone urgently needs to use your laptop.

My wife's constantly making sarcastic comments about my receding hairline.

It's starting to wear a little thin.