What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

Why do bees have sticky hair?

They use honeycombs.

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

Why should you never use a dull pencil?

Because it’s pointless.

What did the carpenter say?

Believe in your shelf

Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.

Model trains make me Hornby.

My first session with the Impatience Support Group is tonight........

I can't wait.

Bin men have got a rubbish job.

I was named after my father...
I don't really like the name 'dad' though.

Due to heavy rainfall last night, there is now a leek in my Greenhouse.

I've just been offered a free sky diving experience.
I'm not falling for it.

Head of lettuce.
That must be a boring job.

My name is Miles, but people call me Kilometres for short.

I have extreme burns on my face...
I have a pretty funky looking goatee as well.

Maths, the only subject that counts.

Having just punched a midget selling watches, I know I've hit an all time low.

I've just started a business which is a rat and mouse washing service. It's
going great...
All our customers are squeaky clean.

What bird gets out of breath easily?
A puffin!

My mum always told me that eating carrots would make me able to see in
the dark
Which made the night my pet rabbit escaped and fell into the garbage
disposal all the more crushing