You are hotter than the bottom of my laptop.

I'm useless when it comes to talking to women, I get nervous and say the
wrong things.
For example, I'll start off by saying, "Hi, I'm Kevin."
Which is weird because my name's Dave.

TRUMP: let's get that Muslim band going 

"Band? We thought you said ban"

TRUMP: No way, that's harsh. also, how's that Mexican mall coming?

Is your name Wifi?

Because I’m feeling a connection!

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down

Why did the corn farmer get a headache?

My grain!

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence.

"My father grows beans," said one girl.

"My mother cooks beans," said a boy.

A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

Did you know.

Before the crowbar was invented, crows used to drink at home.

Are you Harambes enclosure?

Cause i’ll drop a kid inside of you!

Are u a sea lion?

Because I want to sea u lion in my bed later!