TRUMP: let's get that Muslim band going 

"Band? We thought you said ban"

TRUMP: No way, that's harsh. also, how's that Mexican mall coming?

What do you call someone elses cheese?

Natcho Cheese!

What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

What does a zombie vegetarian eat?

“Graaaaaaaains!”

Why couldn't the paraplegic become a comedian?

He couldn't stand up.

What's white and can't climb a tree?

A refrigerator.

I'm useless when it comes to talking to women, I get nervous and say the
wrong things.
For example, I'll start off by saying, "Hi, I'm Kevin."
Which is weird because my name's Dave.

Are u a sea lion?

Because I want to sea u lion in my bed later!

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
show up naked,
bring beer.

How do you find a needle in a haystack?

Sell it and wait for a complaint.

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence.

"My father grows beans," said one girl.

"My mother cooks beans," said a boy.

A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."