What's white and can't climb a tree?

A refrigerator.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
show up naked,
bring beer.

Why couldn't the paraplegic become a comedian?

He couldn't stand up.

I'm useless when it comes to talking to women, I get nervous and say the
wrong things.
For example, I'll start off by saying, "Hi, I'm Kevin."
Which is weird because my name's Dave.

Is your name Wifi?

Because I’m feeling a connection!

TRUMP: let's get that Muslim band going 

"Band? We thought you said ban"

TRUMP: No way, that's harsh. also, how's that Mexican mall coming?

What does a zombie vegetarian eat?

“Graaaaaaaains!”

Are you Harambes enclosure?

Cause i’ll drop a kid inside of you!

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down

How do you find a needle in a haystack?

Sell it and wait for a complaint.