Why'd the chicken cross the road? 

To get to the other side.

I used to go fishing with Skrillex.

But he kept dropping the BASS.

How much does the bark cost?

Tree dollars

Why was the computer always looking outside?

Because it had Windows.

Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.

Are you a tower?

Because eiffel for you!

I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags. 

he's bisatchel.

What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

Yesterday a clown held the door open for me.

I thought it was a nice jester.

What's the difference between a fish and a guitar?

You can't tune a fish

Why can't a bike stand on its own?

It's two tired

My mum always told me that eating carrots would make me able to see in
the dark
Which made the night my pet rabbit escaped and fell into the garbage
disposal all the more crushing