Bob the builder: I can build a wall 

Trump: Hired!

(Preferably be a guy)

I just wanna let you know how beautiful you are and was wondering if you could buy me a drink?

Why did the waitress get promoted?

Because she brings a lot to the table

Are your eyes IKEA?

Because i’m lost in them!

was having a pint in the pub last night when I noticed a bloke standing on his own by the pool table.

I walked over to him and said, "You look bored, do you fancy a playing a game?"

"Yeah, go on then" he replied.

I tapped him on the shoulder and ran off shouting, "You're it!"

I went up to this gorgeous Redhead last night, "Hi there, does the collar match the cuffs?" I said with a cheeky wink

"Of course it does, this blouse wasn't cheap ya know!"

Turns out she was a natural blonde...

I can't think of anything that resembles Straw, but hey.

Bloke in the pub sold me a pirate GPS.

It tells you exactly where you arr.

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.

She didn’t know I existed.

What time do cows go to sleep?

When it's pasture bedtime.

What do you call a guy that crushes cans for a living?

I'm not sure either but it's so dapressing.

It's my fault that I have self blame issues.