Why are mountains so funny?

Because they are hill areas.

Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.

I used to go fishing with Skrillex.

But he kept dropping the BASS.

Why'd the chicken cross the road? 

To get to the other side.

Why should you never use a dull pencil?

Because it’s pointless.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

What is the Terminator's favorite Italian food?

Pasta la vista, baby.

My dad always told me not to stab people in the back.
I agree completely.
It's much easier to reach their vital organs from the front.

I recently took up meditation.
It beats sitting around doing nothing.

Why do bees have sticky hair?

They use honeycombs.

I've just started a business which is a rat and mouse washing service. It's
going great...
All our customers are squeaky clean.