My girlfriend says I only think about myself.

Do you know how much that hurts me?

What did the ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, they just waved.

I went to London and got myself a turtleneck the other day.
And a life-time ban from Sea Life.

BBC News: Man loses arm while on holiday in Greece.
A Bit careless of him.

How do you make antifreeze?

Steal her blanket.

There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton.

Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.

What did the gay deer say when he left the bar?

"I can't believe I blew 50 bucks back there."

I wish my grass was emo 

so it would cut itself...

Why did Cesears feet always hurt?

Because he was always Roman around!

Bob the builder: I can build a wall 

Trump: Hired!

Just found $26 in the dryer, about to get arrested for money laundering.

There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''