I started dating a math teacher a couple of weeks ago.

she turned round one night and said to me "You know youre really stupid, I have no idea why Im with you, i bet you dont even know what pi is!"

"I know you eat too much of it" I replied.

I hate people who are indirect, you know who you are.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

eBay is so useless. 

I tried to look up lighters and it gave me 13,749 matches.

I dropped my cousin's baby the other day,

i told him I didn't want to be the pallbearer

I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.

And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.

Patient: I get scared every time I think of big animals.
Therapist: We have pills for that, but bear in mind...
Patient: AAUUGGHH!!