Bill Gates farted in an Apple store.

He later commented, "Well it’s hardly my fault they don't have any Windows…”

Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

ten-tickles

How many tickles does it take for an octopus to laugh?

Tenticles.

Whats the difference between you and an egg?

An egg gets laid.

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

Knock, Knock! 
Who's There? 
Dewey! 
Dewey who? 
Dewey have to use a condom? 
 

Why are mountains so funny?

Because they are hill areas.

I just shit my pants.
Can i get in yours?

The hand is quicker than the eye.
Unfortunately, the CCTV camera at my nearest primary school's gates is
quicker than both.

Please pray for me, I will be going to the hospital tommorow.

I think i have a problem with my eyes, Every time I look into my wallet, I see nothing.

Is that a mirror in your pocket?

Cause I can see myself in your pants!

Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.