Puns

Due to heavy rainfall last night, there is now a leek in my Greenhouse.

I've just been offered a free sky diving experience.
I'm not falling for it.

Head of lettuce.
That must be a boring job.

My name is Miles, but people call me Kilometres for short.

I have extreme burns on my face...
I have a pretty funky looking goatee as well.

Maths, the only subject that counts.

Having just punched a midget selling watches, I know I've hit an all time low.

Do I know the molecular formula of nitrogen monoxide?

NO

How do you learn to become a railroad conductor?

Training.

Why was the computer always looking outside?

Because it had Windows.

How much does the bark cost?

Tree dollars

Why couldn't the man with no feet drink coffee?

Because he lack toes.

How many tickles does it take for an octopus to laugh?

Tenticles.