My first session with the Impatience Support Group is tonight........

I can't wait.

I've just tucked my shirt in.
I don't know why I put it to bed so early.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

What do you call a bear who just got out of a pool?

A drisly bear

I have extreme burns on my face...
I have a pretty funky looking goatee as well.

Why is it so windy inside an arena? All those fans.

Did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic.

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts.

Yo mama's so fat, when she step on a pencil it makes diamonds

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''

A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”

I couldn't believe it when my wife said I doubt everything she says.

I've found out my Dad wanted me aborted.

My Mum thought it was a bad idea as I was just about to start secondary School.

Two wrongs don't make a right.
Three lefts do.

Wife: Honey I’m pregnant. Me: Well…. what do we do now? Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor. Me: Hm.. I think I’d be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.

I couldn't get a reservation at the library. They were completely booked.

Two satellites decided to get married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible.

Astronomers got tired watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours. They decided to call it a day.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.

What did the carpenter say?

Believe in your shelf