I've just tucked my shirt in.
I don't know why I put it to bed so early.

went for a job interview.
"Where would you like to see yourself in five years time?" he asked me.
I thought and said, "Suspended on full pay."

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts.

What do you call a bear who just got out of a pool?

A drisly bear

I have extreme burns on my face...
I have a pretty funky looking goatee as well.

Why is it so windy inside an arena? All those fans.

Did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic.

Yo mama's so fat, when she step on a pencil it makes diamonds

Wife: Honey I’m pregnant. Me: Well…. what do we do now? Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor. Me: Hm.. I think I’d be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''

I've found out my Dad wanted me aborted.

My Mum thought it was a bad idea as I was just about to start secondary School.

A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”

I couldn't get a reservation at the library. They were completely booked.

I couldn't believe it when my wife said I doubt everything she says.

Two wrongs don't make a right.
Three lefts do.

What did the carpenter say?

Believe in your shelf

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.

I feel sorry for the person who writes those Wikipedia pages.

I bet teachers never accept his homework.

Astronomers got tired watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours. They decided to call it a day.