whoever says patience is the key to success, must never had experienced a slow internet connection

"What do we want?"
"People to stop saying how weak and pathetic we French are"
"When do we want it?"
"In your own time,its really not an issue and also,sorry for shouting"

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

If I was any more street...

I would be homeless

i recently got fired from my job as a doctor, apparently when asked what
exactly is a cesarean,
replying "have you ever seen the film alien" is not the response they're
looking for...

Tip of the day: 

When a police officer says to you "Put your hands up."

Don't say, "For Detroit."

What do turkey's say in outer space?

HUBBLE HUBBLE HUBBLE

What is big, white and full of my juice?

My fridge.

You know youre a geek when you look at a CD cover and think, "I have that
font."

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? 
The Dark Knight Rises

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?

URLologist.

Yo mamma is so ugly 

when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals."

You look like trash.
May I take you out?