How many tickles does it take for an octopus to laugh?

Tenticles.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

Why are mountains so funny?

Because they are hill areas.

Name a spongebob quote to describe your sexuality.

Are ya ready kids!

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

What is the Terminator's favorite Italian food?

Pasta la vista, baby.

Whats the difference between you and an egg?

An egg gets laid.

Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.

Please pray for me, I will be going to the hospital tommorow.

I think i have a problem with my eyes, Every time I look into my wallet, I see nothing.

My dad always told me not to stab people in the back.
I agree completely.
It's much easier to reach their vital organs from the front.

I've got a good joke about Royal Mail, but I think I'll post it next week.

How much does the bark cost?

Tree dollars

Why should you never use a dull pencil?

Because it’s pointless.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

I've just started a business which is a rat and mouse washing service. It's
going great...
All our customers are squeaky clean.

Why do bees have sticky hair?

They use honeycombs.

I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags. 

he's bisatchel.

Yesterday a clown held the door open for me.

I thought it was a nice jester.