I'm useless when it comes to talking to women, I get nervous and say the
wrong things.
For example, I'll start off by saying, "Hi, I'm Kevin."
Which is weird because my name's Dave.

TRUMP: let's get that Muslim band going 

"Band? We thought you said ban"

TRUMP: No way, that's harsh. also, how's that Mexican mall coming?

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down

Why did the corn farmer get a headache?

My grain!

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence.

"My father grows beans," said one girl.

"My mother cooks beans," said a boy.

A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

Did you know.

Before the crowbar was invented, crows used to drink at home.

How do you find a needle in a haystack?

Sell it and wait for a complaint.

Why are maths books so sad?

Because they have so many problems

Wanna hear a joke about traffic?

Nevermind, it's to slow

What soup weighs 2,000 pounds?
Wonton Soup

What do you call an Insect with an afro?

A Frisbee

My cat keeps beating me at Pac Man.
To be fair, he did start with 9 lives.

My girlfriend said I was overly sensitive.

I nearly cried.

My girlfriend says I only think about myself.

Do you know how much that hurts me?

What did the ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, they just waved.

I went to London and got myself a turtleneck the other day.
And a life-time ban from Sea Life.

How do you make antifreeze?

Steal her blanket.