Bloke in the pub sold me a pirate GPS.

It tells you exactly where you arr.

my girlfriend is leaving me because of my conspiracy theories...

Or is that what the government wants me to think???

I can't think of anything that resembles Straw, but hey.

What do you call a guy that crushes cans for a living?

I'm not sure either but it's so dapressing.

I didn't want to be a Jedi like my father.

But he forced me into it.

What time do cows go to sleep?

When it's pasture bedtime.

Listen to me carefully, I will say this only once.
This.

How do you learn to become a railroad conductor?

Training.

Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the "P" is silent!

There is no "i" in "illiterate".

It's my fault that I have self blame issues.

A cop came to my door this morning telling me my dog had been chasing a man on a bike 

"Thats ridiculous, my dog doesn't even own a bike"

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

2016 : trump wont win

2017: president trump can't do that, can he?

2018: you watching the hunger games tonight? I hope my district wins

What's the smallest drink you can order at a bar?

A mar tiny