A cop came to my door this morning telling me my dog had been chasing a man on a bike 

"Thats ridiculous, my dog doesn't even own a bike"

You never realise what you've got till it's gone.
Toilet paper being a good example.

What do you get when facebook goes down?

A Social Life

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? 
None. It's a hardware problem.

what kind of birds stick together?

Vel-crows

At first I hated my new hair cut.
But it's growing on me now

Whats round and sounds like a trumpet?

a crumpet

I hate people who repeat themselves.

Those who say the same thing twice annoy me too.

Two fat people in a marriage will never work out.

What shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers!

Do I know the molecular formula of nitrogen monoxide?

NO

Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt?

Because he doesnt want to be spotted!

Christmas Party Tip: Asking for a kiss under the cameltoe is NEVER
acceptable.

My name is Miles, but people call me Kilometres for short.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick