If you see someone just randomly removing their iPod headphones on the
bus or the Tube

you can be pretty sure they're gauging how loud their fart is.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

Head of lettuce.
That must be a boring job.

Hippity Hoppity you are now my property

I hear the prices of hoovers has gone up, that sucks.

Two fat people in a marriage will never work out.

Christmas Party Tip: Asking for a kiss under the cameltoe is NEVER
acceptable.

People always need their opinions validated.

Am I right?

I was named after my father...
I don't really like the name 'dad' though.

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

There are Two Great Rules of Life:

1. Never tell everything at once.

I've just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered
completely invisible.
I'm still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself.

Model trains make me Hornby.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. 

Then it hit me.

Just seen a Facebook group called: Join if u say "b-e-a-u-ti-ful when writing beatiful!"

Clearly they forgot to say it the second time round...

Doorbells.

There's a nice ring to them.

went for a job interview.
"Where would you like to see yourself in five years time?" he asked me.
I thought and said, "Suspended on full pay."