Please pray for me, I will be going to the hospital tommorow.

I think i have a problem with my eyes, Every time I look into my wallet, I see nothing.

Bill Gates farted in an Apple store.

He later commented, "Well it’s hardly my fault they don't have any Windows…”

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

Bob the builder: I can build a wall 

Trump: Hired!

2016 : trump wont win

2017: president trump can't do that, can he?

2018: you watching the hunger games tonight? I hope my district wins

if you get rejected because you don't have the required experience DONT WORRY!!!

you can always run for presidency

If trump can make it upto presidency

I can make it to bed early

There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton.

Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.

Why does trump watch the Olympics ?

Because he wants to see how high Mexicans can jump.

TRUMP: let's get that Muslim band going 

"Band? We thought you said ban"

TRUMP: No way, that's harsh. also, how's that Mexican mall coming?

Thief: Give me your money.

Man: I'm a politician. 

Thief: Then give me my money.

I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle.

I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle.

What's the difference between a fish and a guitar?

You can't tune a fish

Why does Santa Claus have a big sack?

He only comes once a year

If i was given a penny for everytime i answered a question vaguely...

I would have a lot of pennies

My boss fired me for being "incompetent".

How could I be something I dont even know what it is?

I went up to this gorgeous Redhead last night, "Hi there, does the collar match the cuffs?" I said with a cheeky wink

"Of course it does, this blouse wasn't cheap ya know!"

Turns out she was a natural blonde...

my girlfriend is leaving me because of my conspiracy theories...

Or is that what the government wants me to think???

How many Microsoft windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

three!

one to change it, one to ask you if your sure you want to change it, and one to ask you if your sure your sure you want to change it.

How many stubborn people does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Stubborn people won't change.