There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.

And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

What do you call the bad areas in Italy?

The spaghetto.

What's white and can't climb a tree?

A refrigerator.

What shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers!

Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing

What do turkey's say in outer space?

HUBBLE HUBBLE HUBBLE

Where does the general keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

What does the dick say to the condom?

Cover me, Im going in.

What did the rug say to the floor?

I've got you covered.

My mate just told me I don't understand irony at all. Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.

What's the smallest drink you can order at a bar?

A mar tiny

Just found $26 in the dryer, about to get arrested for money laundering.

What do you call a guy that crushes cans for a living?

I'm not sure either but it's so dapressing.

What is the Terminator's favorite Italian food?

Pasta la vista, baby.

Why did the corn farmer get a headache?

My grain!