How many tickles does it take for an octopus to laugh?

Tenticles.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre

Why are mountains so funny?

Because they are hill areas.

Whats the difference between you and an egg?

An egg gets laid.

Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.

Please pray for me, I will be going to the hospital tommorow.

I think i have a problem with my eyes, Every time I look into my wallet, I see nothing.

Name a spongebob quote to describe your sexuality.

Are ya ready kids!

Why should you never use a dull pencil?

Because it’s pointless.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

What is the Terminator's favorite Italian food?

Pasta la vista, baby.

Why do bees have sticky hair?

They use honeycombs.

The hand is quicker than the eye.
Unfortunately, the CCTV camera at my nearest primary school's gates is
quicker than both.

My dad always told me not to stab people in the back.
I agree completely.
It's much easier to reach their vital organs from the front.

I've got a good joke about Royal Mail, but I think I'll post it next week.

I recently took up meditation.
It beats sitting around doing nothing.

What state has the smallest drinks?

Mini-soda.

I've just started a business which is a rat and mouse washing service. It's
going great...
All our customers are squeaky clean.