Why did the scarecrow get promoted?

Because he was out standing in his field

You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

Why didn't the astronaut come home to his wife?

He needed some space.

Call me shrek

Because i’m head ogre heels for you!

As the child of a gay couple, I thought I was immune to Yo Mama jokes
Until someone said: Yo mama so ugly, your dad had to get a husband.

I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle.

I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle.

Knock knock. 
Who’s there? 
Hawaii. 
Hawaii who? 
I’m fine, Hawaii you?

Why does Santa Claus have a big sack?

He only comes once a year

Knock, Knock! 
Who's There? 
Madam 
Madam who? 
Help madam finger is stuck in the door 

Do you have advanced radiation poisoning?

Because you are glowing!

If winners never quit and quitters never win. 

what idiot came out with 'quit while you're ahead'?

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A pouch potato.